theonion:
PHILADELPHIA—Calling the contraction of the disease “not good,” and saying that not having the illness is highly preferable to having it, oncologists representing the American Association for Cancer Research urged the U.S. populace Monday not to get cancer.
The panel, which consisted of medical experts at the top of their respective fields in cancer research, education, surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy, addressed the media for 45 minutes, saying that people’s best hope in terms of living a long, cancer-free life is to never develop cancerous cells in any part of the body, ever.
“After years of closely studying this illness and learning about how it grows and arbitrarily attacks vital organs throughout the body at an uncontrollable rate until one eventually dies, we have concluded that not having cancer is the best way to go,” said Dr. Robert Bertino, who specializes in molecular biology at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. “If you are going to contract a harmful illness, get diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, meningitis, or even Type 2 diabetes. Anything but cancer. Cancer is just the worst.”
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