Nation Struggling To Keep Track Of How Far Along It Is In All Its Ongoing Grieving Processes

BATON ROUGE, LA—In response to the spate of shootings that have erupted across the country in recent weeks, the U.S. populace told reporters Monday it was struggling to keep track of how far along it was in all the various grieving processes it was currently going through. “It’s getting really hard to juggle all the different stages of grief I’m in—I’m pretty sure there were at least four tragedies I was trying to come to grips with yesterday when I learned about the senseless attack on police officers in Baton Rouge, which plunged me right back into the earliest stage of shock and despair,” said Gaithersburg, MD resident Katelyn Robbins, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans who, after witnessing the slew of horrific events, have frequently had to pause to remind themselves of the extent of their emotional progress in their overlapping mourning processes. “Right now, I’m trying to finally reach some closure regarding the Orlando nightclub shooting while also still resolving my anger from last week’s Dallas massacre. And this whole time, I feel like I’ve been stalled on working through my sadness over Philando Castile’s shooting because I’ve been so busy dealing with all the new tragedies that keep popping up. Honestly, it’s a bit overwhelming trying to keep all of my feelings straight.” The nation then expressed its wish for at least a solid week without an unconscionable act of violence so it could make some headway on all its grieving, but admitted that was probably unrealistic.

Exhausted Nation Unsure It Has Stamina To Continue Gun Control Dialogue For Fifth Consecutive Day

WASHINGTON—Appearing visibly drained as they pushed well beyond their previous best for rational discourse on the issue, the exhausted American public told reporters Thursday they were uncertain whether they had the stamina to continue a national dialogue on gun control for a fifth consecutive day. “It’s hard to believe, but we’ve been going at this nationwide conversation on sensible gun control measures pretty hard since Sunday, so I really don’t know how much longer we can keep this up before we hit a wall,” said Arthur Handler, 37, of Portland, ME, who explained that the population was only used to discussing gun laws for two, or at most three days before running out of steam, so they were now stretching themselves to their physical and mental limits. “It’s not that we don’t want to keep going—we do. It’s just that we tend to wrap up our typical national dialogue in 48 hours or so, and right now, we’re nearing a full week of this kind of constructive talk. I’m not even sure how we’ve pushed ourselves this far. I really hope we have more than just a few hours of engaged debate left in us.” At press time, the clearly worn-out nation could feel itself faltering slightly in its efforts to push for expanded background checks and was desperately hoping for a second wind

Water Fluoridation Was A Soviet Plot to "Dumb Down America", Says Former KGB Agent

worldnewsdailyreport.com

Tel Aviv, Israel | In an astonishing interview broadcast on Israeli national television Channel 1 (הערוץ הראשון), Ivan Daaronovitch, a former KGB agent under USSR’s last president, Mikhail Gorbachev, admitted highly confidential information about a secret Soviet program which used water fluoridation as a tool of “psychological and biological warfare against the American government and its people”.

The former spy, that has lived in Israel since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, explained how the USSR sold the idea of adding sodium fluoride in tap water to the western world as a “benefit for children’s teeth” when in fact, it was meant to “sterilize the women and dumb down the men” he explained during the 45-minute interview.

“If the real reason behind water fluoridation was to benefit children’s teeth, there are many ways in which it could be done that are much easier, cheaper, and far more effective”.

“I find it very ironic that the United States and other countries around the world still practice this old sickening method that was propagandized by our secret services,” he said laughingly. 

(Full Story)

Mattel Releases New Male Barbie To Inspire Girls To Imagine Holding Highest Leadership Positions

(TheOnion) EL SEGUNDO, CA―In a continued effort to make its iconic line of dolls more representative of today’s culture, Mattel announced the release Friday of its first male Barbie, which it hopes will inspire girls to dream about what it’s like to hold a top-ranking job in the workforce.

According to a press release from the toy manufacturer, the 12-inch-tall male figurine comes with a bespoke gray suit, polished black wingtips, and a plush leather chair, allowing girls to pretend that they too might one day be able to reach a powerful executive position in whatever profession they choose.

“When young girls play with Barbie, we don’t want there to be any limits on what they can imagine possible, and that’s exactly why we created the first-ever male version of the doll,” said Mattel CEO Christopher Sinclair, noting that while previous Barbies have served to model various careers for girls, none has let them picture what it’s like to rise to the highest rung of any field they choose. “With this new Barbie, girls can make-believe they’re the one who actually calls the shots, whether they’re pretending to lead a major corporate merger, direct a hot startup in Silicon Valley, or oversee a well-funded research lab.”

Added Sinclair, “Girls who play with this doll can finally imagine what it’s like at the very pinnacle of the business, financial, legal, tech, media, political, academic, military, and entertainment sectors.”


Top officials at Mattel told reporters that the latest version of the doll will encourage girls to “take their imagination to new heights” by making up stories in which they receive a salary commensurate with the work they do, get put on a fast track to an executive-level position, don’t have to worry about missing out on a big career opportunity due to a pregnancy, are perceived as competent by their coworkers, and have their ideas taken seriously. (Full Story)

Saudi Arabia: Panel of scientists admits women are mammals, yet "not human"

Riyadh | In an unprecedented ruling, a panel of Saudi scientists has concluded that women are actually mammals, granting them the same rights as other mammal species such as camels, dromedaries and even goats.

The verdict, which fell just hours before the International Women’s Day, is considered “historic” by some experts and advocacy groups for women’s rights.

“This is a great leap forward for women’s rights in Saudi Arabia,” concludes Jane Austin, spokeswoman for the Women’s Liberation Action Network. “It may seem too little, too late, but it is truly a milestone event for all women in the region,” she says, visibly excited. “From now on, women will be considered as members of the mammal class, whereas before women shared the legal status of an object, similar to that of a home appliance,” she admits.

California: Activist spends one year in freezer to denounce global warming

(Worldnewsdailyreport.com) 10/07/15

San Francisco| A Californian woman certainly found an original way to raise popular consciousness about the climate changes affecting the planet.

26-year old Greenpeace activist, Jade Martens, spent an entire year in a small commercial freezer, in order to denounce the poor results of the Obama administration on the subject of carbon dioxide emissions.

The young woman eats, sleeps and even relieves herself in a small chest freezer of 6′x3′x4′, located in the hall of the San Francisco Congress Center, only allowing herself to stand up a few times a day to stretch.

She hopes that her incredible stunt will help to educate people on the importance of the environment.

“The government and the corporations aren’t doing anything for the environment,”she told reporters. “Somebody had to do something, so I decided to take action myself. I hope that my actions can help raise awareness about global warming, and can eventually bring some political change.”

According to Miss Martens, her action is putting a great strain on her mental and physical condition, but she intends to remain in her freezer for at least another year, and possibly even more, if her health allows her.

“This is an important political action for which I have already made a lot of sacrifices” she says. “There is no way I am going to abandon now! The stakes are too high, I can’t give up. I am doing this for Mother Earth!”

Even if most people passing by at the San Francisco Congress Center seem to be either indifferent or amused by Ms. Martens’ stunt, she believes that her sacrifice is necessary and that, with time, it can generate some important changes.

China Blames Stock Market Crash on Tibetan Separatists

 (worldnewsdailyreport.com) 08/26/15 - President Xi Jinping announced that China will wage an unceasing fight against the “economic terrorism” led by the Dalai Lama and Tibetan separatists on the Chinese economy.

After watching share prices tumble around 25 percent in a little more than a week, China’s president reassured investors that “everything will be done to take care of the Tibetan problem” he acknowledged yesterday.

“We will increase our fight against the Tibetan separatist activities and the Dalai Lama menace” Xi was quoted as saying yesterday. “Until they stop their economic terrorism against the Chinese people and their economy, China will fight an unswerving battle against these terrorists” he acknowledged on a nationwide television broadcast.

“The Dalai Lama, through his ongoing pursuit to destroy the Chinese economy through guerrilla tactics and propaganda, is truly the greatest enemy of the Chinese people” admits leading Chinese economist Liu Huy Yang. “The Western world believes the Dalai Lama is a peace loving sect leader, but all he lives for is the destruction of Chinese pride and nationalism” he told journalists.

The Dalai Lama has vehemently denied any involvement in the ongoing troubles of the Chinese economy.

“I am exiled in India, all I do is meditate and pray. I barely read the newspaper, I find it hilarious that I am blamed for crashing the economy of a billion people” he told reporters with a large grin.

“Maybe President Xi Jinping is right after all, since everything is intimately connected in this universe, maybe I am responsible for the Chinese market crash, earthquakes in South America and all the misery in the world” said the 80-year-old Dalai Lama with humor.

The 14th and current Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, fled south to India, where he established a government in exile, during the Tibetan uprising of 1959.

Indiana: Muslim Bakery Refuses To Make American Flag Cake For Returning War Veteran

- Baahir’s Bakery, a Muslim bakery located in South Bend Indiana is the midst of a media firestorm after they refused to make an American flag sheet cake for a returning Iraq war veteran’s welcome home party.

The family of Joshua Lancaster, a 34 year old war veteran that served 4 tours in Iraq, was thrilled for their beloved soldiers return to his South Bend home on May 7th. Their excitement unfortunately had to take a backseat to the disappointment and frustration they felt upon finding out the local bakery that they had already paid to make an American flag sheet cake had made a last minute decision to refuse to fulfill the Lancaster family’s cake order.

According to the family, the soldier’s mother had arrived at Baahir’s Bakery around 9:00 AM on the day of the welcome home party (May 8th), and was devastated when the employee behind the counter informed her that they do not have the cake because the Bakery’s owner Baahir Ameen had refused to fulfill the order.

Though the bakery promptly produced a full refund for the family, the original order had been placed 5 days prior leaving the family to scramble in order to find a last minute solution. Due to the minimal time available, the only bakery that the family was able to find to fulfill the last minute request was located inside a local grocery chain. The family appreciates the grocery store for accommodating the last minute request; however claim the cake just wasn’t what they had originally hoped and planned for.

Upon receiving abundant criticism from sympathizers of the family, a representative from the bakery made the following statement to Indiana’s local FOX affiliate.

“In Indiana we are protected by the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Islam is openly against American’s descendant ways; additionally for religious reasons, I firmly disagree with the war in Iraq, therefore, Baahir’s Bakery refuses to contribute to the celebration of these clear abominations. Thankfully we live in a state that allows us this freedom.”

According to Joshua’s sister Beth Lancaster, the reason the family decided to place the order at Baahir’s Bakery, was that in the past she had purchased several breads from the bakery and the family wanted to support a small business. Beth told reporters however, “Never again will that bakery see a penny from our pockets”.

- See more at: nationalreport.net

Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs

(TheOnion) NEW YORK—Saying that women no longer need to settle for plain, drab internal tissue, the cosmetics brand Maybelline introduced a new line of injectable makeup this week to enhance the appearance of wearers’ organs. “With our new injectable makeup options, women can finally have the type of flawless, gorgeous-looking digestive and cardiopulmonary systems they’ve always wanted,” said Maybelline spokesperson Diane Moss, adding that women will soon be able to use a 10cc Maybelline syringe to apply their new set of cosmetics, which currently include a “bold and flirty” line of lung shadow; blood vessel mascara for thicker, longer capillaries; and spleen foundation to cover unsightly blemishes and provide a smooth, even look to the lymphoid organ. “Our selection of over 300 shades of heartstick ensures that women will be able to find the perfect color and level of shimmer to enhance their atria and ventricles for nearly any occasion. And the youthful definition that comes from a quick thoracic injection of pancreas rouge is certain to provide women a boost of confidence before they step out the door each morning.” Moss added that Maybelline would also cater to those women looking for a more natural look by introducing an injectible line of products designed to conceal the fact that they’re even wearing organ makeup at all.

Scientists Prove That All Religious Books Are Man-Made Nonsense

(dailysquib.co.uk) WASHINGTON DC – USA – Scientists at the Institute of Historical Research have finally released their findings after five years of dedicated research.

The scientists, headed by Doctor Julius Sanreso, welcomed the research findings and said that it would be in the interests of those who believe in such nonsense as organised religion or creationism to accept the fact that religious books were written by men as a control system.

“Just think for one second, if ‘G-d’ or a ‘messenger of G-d’ had written that particular religious book/bible, how come the writings only occur within a very limited period in human history? Also, consider the fact, that a human writing on a piece of paper, or a few pieces of paper, is not the word of ‘God’. If they were really written by a universal God or entity, the books would not be limited to some pre-medievel costume drama but would encompass all universality, history, the future and science. Language is something created by man, not an all-seeing, all encompassing entity. God would presumably be universal and timeless as well as all-knowing, as is the universe, therefore these man-written books and scriptures, are just that, man-written linguistically created nonsense used to control men and women thousands of years ago. Why would ‘God’ write anything anyway? One must consider the fact that, even now, there are religious zealots and ordinary people still entrenched in a control belief system that is so far removed from reality that it borders on madness. There is no rational or scientific way that organised religions can have a modicum of truth or factual reality because of the very reason that these books are entombed in the time that they were written. These books should therefore simply be viewed as limited parables and historical fiction, as well as a lesson in how millions of people can be so easily controlled.”

The research paper also came to the conclusion that reward/punishment religions, as control systems, were losing their grip on most of the population of the world and only a few die-hard fanatics and delusional maniacs were carrying on with the flame of idiocy.

“The game is up for all religions, how long can this sham carry on, with their ridiculous outdated ceremonies? The priests are deceivers, and they need to come up with some pretty radical solutions to their thousand year old magic trick. People aren’t as dumb or easily swayed as they used to be thousands of years ago, they actually have reasoning powers and can see through the utter nonsense of organised control systems like religion.”

The problem for the world’s political leaders, is that slowly, humans who were controlled for so many years by fictitious writings, may suddenly lose their controlled ‘faith’. This could be quite dangerous, because it would mean that these people would suddenly wake up and realise that they have been fooled for so long by being communally hypnotised.

“We must ensure that the people who have been fooled for so long by fictitious belief systems utilised to control humans do not get too angry when they realise that what they believe in is nonsense written by humans utilising human created language. This could be dangerous for society, so we must either let them carry on believing their fiction or try to somehow support them when they realise the truth,” Dr Sanreso said.

The research paper will be published in its entirety in 2015.

Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features

(TheOnion.com) After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, and more. Here are some features of the new Barbies:

• Comes with blank census form so Barbie can self-identify gender and sexual orientation
• Dolls will have the option to be either racially diverse or talk but not both
• All speech-enabled dolls programmed with special voice recognition chip that only allows them to speak when spoken to
• Biodegradable plastic allows Barbie’s perfect body to naturally succumb to the ravages of age
• Realistic dry elbows
• Extendable limbs to show that women’s appendages come in all shapes and sizes
• Still no Jewish doll until somebody makes a fuss
• Blonde, Caucasian models continue to be available for company to make some money

Doctors Confirm first Human Death officially caused by GMOs

(WorldNewsDailyReport) Madrid| Doctors of the Carlos III hospital confirmed this morning in a press conference, the first case of human death caused by the ingestion of genetically modified food. Juan Pedro Ramos died from anaphylaxis after eating some recently developed tomatoes containing fish genes, which provoked a violent and lethal allergic reaction.

This surprising announcement comes after the autopsy of the 31-year old Spanish man who died at the Madrid hospital in the beginning of January. The young man’s health rapidly deteriorated after he suffered an unexplained allergic reaction, and all the drugs used to refrain the anaphylaxis were entirely inefficient. The team of experts claims to have been able to determine that the genetically modified tomatoes that the victim ingested at lunch were the cause of the allergic reaction that caused his death. Read more

Obama, New World Order Using Chemtrails to Spread Ebola

- Agents of the New World Order (NWO) have launched an international campaign to widen viral Ebola infection zones in Western Africa by using chemtrail spreading aircraft. After secret talks with President Obama, it was decided that a population management plan was agreed to by the two entities, both of whom have similar goals, population control through reduction. Read this to mean “enslavement” for members of the rank and file.

The Ebola virus (EBOV) causes Ebola hemorrhagic fever (EHF), deadly for humans and nonhuman primates, with a death rate as high as 90%. Infection from EBOV can occur through direct contact with bodily secretions or blood from an infected individual; however evidence of aerosol transmission has been reported in laboratory conditions. It is this aspect of the virus that has been exploited by the NWO scientists.

A highly evolved strain of the deadly virus was cultivated in petri dishes by sublime scientists in secret NWO Laboratories under the most top secret of conditions.

The recent epidemic in the Western Africa nations of Sierra Leone and Liberia has killed over 3,000.- 

See more at: nationalreport.net

Climate Change Preventing Second Coming of Jesus, Study Says

(DailyCurrant) Global warming and climate change are harming God’s creation and preventing the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, a study released this week has found.

The study, authored by respected Christian non-scientists at Liberty and Bob Jones universities, found that while God still controls the weather, humans are interfering with his work and causing global warming and climate change through sinful, destructive activities. In addition, the study found humans are also committing a sin by ignoring the deadly effects.

“The Bible states, ‘The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters,’ ” the study said. “ 'All things were created by him and for him.’ So it’s clear God would be really pissed off if we destroyed His property. After all, He created the world in six days, and He is technically renting it out to us. We know He evicted His previous tenants, the dinosaurs, as soon as humans were created.”

The study also found it will be impossible for Jesus Christ to return if nothing is done to mitigate human-induced climate change.

International Zionist Conspiracy: Even We Can’t Keep Track Of All Our Conspiracies Anymore [satire]

(Via BCF)

- The twenty-first century is a pretty complex place. The world is teeming with more than seven billion souls, with international and domestic crises to manage absolutely everywhere. As you can imagine, the level of International Zionist Conspiracy involvement has never been higher, but the sheer number of events going on at any given time means that sometimes, even we can’t keep track of all our conspiracies.

It wasn’t always that way. Back when we assassinated Lincoln, there couldn't have been more than fifteen or sixteen active conspiracies, tops…

And now, with more than four thousand active plots, depending on how one categorizes them, things have gotten hairy. We nearly messed up on 9/11 by not using bigger planes, but at least the backup plan of having explosives planted in the construction of the Twin Towers back in the early seventies made the collapse happen anyway. Every now and then someone in the Muslim world gets wind of gentile blood used in Jewish matza, and we have to track down who dropped the ball. Our agents work almost around the clock, but recruiting and training more of them presents a serious problem: there are only about 15 million Jews in the world, and we don’t trust anyone else…

US: Man Enters Hospital for Routine Surgery Goes Home with a Vagina – Lawsuit Filed.

(NationalReport) - A Massachusetts man awoke from a routine circumcision Wednesday to find doctors had mistakenly performed a vaginoplasty. Robert Merkin, 26, of Provo, Utah, had entered the University Medical Center (UMC) in Boston for a routine circumcision, a procedure deemed necessary for an unspecified medical reason.

When Merkin, woke Wednesday following the procedure he learned he had a vagina. Outraged by the news Merkin caused such a commotion arrangements were made for him to spend his recovery time in another facility. On Friday morning his attorney Belinda Banks filed suit in Suffolk County Superior Court against the hospital for negligence and seeks unspecified damages.

The National Report spoke with Wendy LaChapelle, spokeswoman for UMC who states Merkin’s suit is baseless but could not comment further on any matter pending litigation.

Banks spoke briefly with reporters outside the courthouse Friday morning. She reported her client is devastated and experiencing severe depression. Banks added, “The hardest thing my client has had to deal with since the surgery is the so-called ‘support’ he has received from the LGBT community who’ve welcomed him as one of their own and have offered to help him settle into his new life as a woman.”

Two similar lawsuits were brought in similar cases. In 2011 a Kentucky filed suit after his penis was partially amputated when a doctor found potentially deadly cancer while performing a circumcision surgery. In that case the jury ruled in favor of the doctor.

And nine days ago 56 year-old Johnny Lee Banks Jr., and his wife Zelda, filed suit in Jefferson County Circuit Court in Birmingham, Alabama, against the Princeton Baptist Medical Center, whom Banks claims mistakenly amputated his penis during a routine non life-threatening circumcision procedure, and further claims to date the hospital has never provided a reason to explain why the amputation was performed.

- See more: HERE

Pharmaceutical Industry Reeling As More Moms Making Vaccines At Home

Via TheOnion:

NEW YORK—A wave of concern reportedly spread through the pharmaceutical industry this week as several major drug companies reported a dip in quarterly earnings, with experts placing the blame largely on the growing trend of mothers choosing to make vaccines for their children at home.

According to medical industry observers, the homemade inoculations, which are often assembled from scratch in kitchens or atop home craft tables, have become increasingly popular due to their low cost, their do-it-yourself appeal, and rising parental unease over the quality and origins of the ingredients in mass-produced immunizations.