(theonion) - WASHINGTON—With the nation still reeling from Monday’s mass shooting inside the Washington Navy Yard, President Barack Obama held a bilateral meeting with the country’s schizophrenic voices earlier today, urging the disembodied auditory hallucinations to join him in helping to reduce violence.
The special summit, which was open to reporters, began at 9 a.m. in the White House’s East Room, where the president and over 2.5 million schizophrenic voices of various degrees of intensity from all across America engaged in an open dialogue covering issues as varied as violence in America, mental health care, the incessant wriggling of worms, gun control, the tearing of the flesh, and the passage of meaningful legislation.
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