(TheOnion.com) After years of losing young consumers to competing doll brands like Bratz and Monster High, Mattel has decided to completely make over Barbie by releasing a new line of dolls that are racially diverse, have the ability to talk, can bend their ankles, and more. Here are some features of the new Barbies:
- Comes with blank census form so Barbie can self-identify gender and sexual orientation
- Dolls will have the option to be either racially diverse or talk but not both
- All speech-enabled dolls programmed with special voice recognition chip that only allows them to speak when spoken to
- Biodegradable plastic allows Barbie’s perfect body to naturally succumb to the ravages of age
- Realistic dry elbows
- Extendable limbs to show that women’s appendages come in all shapes and sizes
- Still no Jewish doll until somebody makes a fuss
- Blonde, Caucasian models continue to be available for company to make some money
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